Lest there be any concern that our new "Bachelor,"
Sean Lowe, is too innocent to handle a gaggle of debaucherous women, have no
fear. The good ol' Texas
boy arrived at the iconic Agoura Hills mansion well equipped to ward off
overeager females in sparkly gowns.
"I brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble,"
Sean warned one "Fifty Shades of Grey" fan, who had just pulled a
cheap-looking tie out of her cleavage.
Oh, that’s right. There was no shortage of crazy on the
season premiere of "The Bachelor" Monday night, the 17th -- yes, you
heard me right -- season of this marvelous, soul-ruining show. One woman, Lindsay,
stepped out of the limo to meet Sean wearing a wedding dress that may or may
not have been purchased at David's Bridal. Then she got really drunk and tried
to persuade Sean to kiss her by insisting she wasn't "contagious."
Even when girls were making total fools of themselves, Sean
came off like a saint -- almost Jake Pavelka-esque, sans the under-the-surface
rage issues. He's from Texas!
He drives a Jeep! He likes to work out for fun!
His parents are sickeningly sweet and spent an exorbitant
amount of money building their granddaughter a lifesized dollhouse in their
backyard. He's good with kids. And let's not forget: He loves Jesus. A lot. His
Twitter bio even says so: "I love the little things in life like good food,
road trips, TX country music and great conversation. Most importantly, I love
Jesus!"
Well, shucks. How am I supposed to say anything snarky about
this dude? He even looks better than he did on Emily's season. When Arie -- the
runner-up on Emily's season -- came by to give Sean some canned advice on "how
to be a good kisser," I found myself thanking my lucky stars that I didn't
have to watch Arie shove his tongue down a zillion girls' throats this season. Vomtown.
That said, I'm worried Mr. Perfect may prove to be a bit too
predictable. It could have been in the editing, but I felt like it was super
obvious which girls Sean was into the second they popped on screen. Take Tierra.
She was wearing a cross around her neck in her first interview, and screamed
when she found out Sean is "The Bachelor" because he's so family-oriented.
She's also attractive, and looks like a mix of former "Bachelorette" DeAnna
Pappas and Jamie-Lynn Spears. Bam: Got the first rose just by stepping out of
the limo.
Yeah, Sean went a bit rogue, handing out roses to whomever
he pleased instead of waiting for the official Chris Harrison-sanctioned rose
ceremony. The first girls to receive early roses were, not surprisingly, the
most clean-cut: Desiree, a bridal stylist who said in her bio that her favorite
book is "Eat, Pray, Love"; and AshLee, who was adopted at 6 into a
pastor's home and spells her name AshLee.
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